There are 6 days until I board the plane and begin a new life in Switzerland, following wherever it is God wants to take me. How am I feeling? I am actually very tired. I am at a very strange place today. It feels like satans attacks are coming every single day and quite frequently throughout the day. So when I say I am clinging to God's peace, I am CLINGING for dear life! I had my first complete breakdown yesterday night after church, which I didn't expect. I found myself looking around my room, which looked like a train had just run through it, and feeling completely overwhelmed. Having a messy room was like the straw that broke the camels back. I like order and organization and I was not finding it anywhere. My mom walked in my room to check on me because I pretty much had just come in the house from church and went straight upstairs. Well, the second I saw her I completely broke. The day had consisted of 3 amazing situations. I had an amazing lunch with a friend and our conversation was really encouraging and uplifting. Then another friend came to help me pack one suitcase (I have found small goals are extremely helpful when there is a lot to d0) and we did it! We packed an amazing amount of clothes and shoes into one suitcase thanks to space bags :) Then I get this phone call from my cousin who gave me AMAZING news about how my finances will be over there. So I was rejoicing in all those things and just blown away by how great God is. I have (as you can tell by the blogs lately) been so in awe of God's amazing power in my life and the life of those around me. His hand is really over everything! Then...I get to church and I walk in super excited and BAM! I am attacked not once but three different times. I tried to brush it off and surrender it during worship but the crack that satan had snuck through (which always has to do with my self esteem/ self worth) got a little bigger. ALL service, there was a battle going on in my head: "You aren't good enough! You are so selfish! You are a burden!" SHUT UP!! I have the peace of God, I have the peace of God. I know I was getting attacked to try to get me to not focus on the message in front of me, part of which was talking about how David was praising God even as he faced great trials. So what did I do? I talked for a little bit after church, laughed with some friends, and then I came home and just lost it. I felt like I could have sobbed for hours. It was such a strange feeling! While I was crying, I totally felt this release of everything that had happened and God's peace covering me like a blanket. In my head, praises kept coming out to God about everything He has already done for me and what He is still going to do through me. But I just kept crying! I really was exhausted in every sense of the word, but still had His peace. Does that make any sense? Anyways...you know what? Praise God for that release of emotions, even though crying is something I am NOT a fan of. He has blessed me beyond measure even in the midst of battle. PRAISE HIM! I stand firm in His peace and joy and am not budging. Tears will not bring me down! I am victorious in HIS name! The enemy has been DEFEATED and he has NO hold over me. I will please ask anyone who is reading this to be in constant prayer for me over the next 6 days. However God leads you, please pray. I know there will be more battles and trials before I leave but with God on my side, I will get through them! There is power in prayer! Thank you, Lord for your amazing peace covering me.
We are fasting for the first 21 days in January and memorizing Isaiah 58 at church right now and the timing couldn't have been more perfect. Verse 11 seems to be the only verse I can memorize at the moment and maybe you will see why: "The Lord will guide you always. He will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and strengthen your frame. You will be a well watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail." Really?? Perfect. Lately I have really been feeling intense joy which is an extremely overwhelming feeling (in a good way of course). It hits me at really strange (but perfect) times, usually when I need it most. Looking at my friends laughing and talking to each other; watching the congregation at Cornerstone worshiping; seeing kids (that were in the second grade class I aided with Ms. Kitty) grow from age 7 to 15 and making the choice to go after God...JOY! My heart is filled with this intense love and happiness and I really truly feel like "a well watered garden; a spring whose waters never fail". As I will be leaving my friends and family behind (physically...never emotionally or spiritually), I am left feeling like God has filled me so that I will be fine without everyone overseas. I will be able to let my joy and love bubble over to all those around me without feeling empty because my joy is based on HIM.
Yesterday, I felt excited for the first time that I am actually leaving in less than 2 weeks. I have not been upset, because God's peace has been surrounding me BIG time, but I haven't been excited. My excitement and sadness were so equal that when someone asked how I felt, it was hard to respond because I didn't know how to explain how I was feeling. I was so sad to stop working at my job because I had grown comfortable. I was sad to sell my car because I paid for that all by myself and paid it off completely. I am sad to leave my friends because I feel like we just started something exciting. Do you notice a pattern though? Complacency. That is a very dangerous place to be. Satan has really been attacking my emotions every day about changing so much and stepping outside of my comfort zone. He really doesn't want me to go, which is the very reason I must. So take that! I love how satan's attacks are turned around to show me how faithful and steadfast God is. EVERY single time!! For example, God gave me a perfect day in NYC with a bunch of friends because He knew come Monday when I had to sell my car, I would be struggling pretty bad. Just remembering His faithfulness to give us perfect weather, perfect conversation and laughter, opportunities to share His love with not one but TWO people...joy! Am I really going to let my sorrow over giving up so much of what I have come comfortable holding onto take away that joy I felt Saturday in NYC? Nope. Okay...I'll be honest...maybe for like a few hours. But then it came down to surrender, surrender, surrender. Man is there some freedom in surrender or what? Why do we hold onto anything?? Fear really blows things waaaay out of proportion! When you finally get brave enough to surrender, you're like really? That's it? That's all I had to do this whole time? It's really going to work out now? YUP! Amazing :)
Lord thank You for every single trial I have gone through to get me where I am with You today. Let me continue to grow in You more every day so that my spring never fails.
