Reflections

It has been quite some time since I have posted in here so I figured it is time for a new one. It is the day after Christmas and I am feeling much gratitude for being able to have a day dedicated to nothing but relaxing. The new year is quickly approaching and I am left reflecting on this past year I have spent living in Switzerland. The idea that I am living anywhere but America is still surreal to me. My brain allow me to think about it a little bit but not too often or it starts to over-analyze everything. Lol! This past year has been a roller-coaster of emotions for me but now I am settling into everything much better. There have been opportunities that have just fallen in my lap that I know could only have come from God. He has provided me with so many blessings it's unbelievable at times! I have been able to get involved in several things that weren't anywhere on my agenda but somehow they just came across my path. I am excited to be a part of such an amazing youth group here. To be able to be a part of a group and see where God is leading them just thrills me! The ladies group will be meeting again soon and I am also looking forward to that. They are really nice and it is so encouraging to be able to meet other people too. 

My biggest struggle has been the language. I have learned quite a lot of German since I have been here and speak it every day with the kids, but some days I feel like I will never live up to people's expectations of me. So many people feel free to give their opinion of how I should be learning, how I should be speaking and what I should not be doing. What is difficult for me is to hear so much criticism instead of being able to hear encouragement. I feel I have made so much progress, but it just seems to never be enough. There are definitely days when I cry myself to sleep because I feel stupid or misunderstood. Those are my "woe is me" kinda days. So pretty much you could tell me my fingernails are too long and I would burst into tears. I definitely try not to have to many of those days! But it just kinda surprises me how so many people feel free to criticize but not so free to compliment! Now mind you, there are definitely encouraging people here too. Don't get the wrong idea. I have people here who really make an effort to make me feel welcome and included and encouraged. These are the people I try to cling to ;) 

Enough about that. I am so looking forward to being able to visit the States in February. I don't know when the next time I will be going back after that so it will be nice to see everyone. I miss my friends and family a lot but I am grateful to the new friendships I have here. I really feel home here and can't imagine living back in the States anytime soon. I guess this is what it feels like when you finally find the exact place where God wants you. Even though I struggle, I just have this deep peace that comforts me and reminds me I am here for one purpose. To further His kingdom :)     

Blankets of Peace

It has been quite some time since I have posted a blog on here. I feel as though the time here is passing by very quickly. One second it's February and the next it's July! Time always goes faster when you are non-stop I guess huh? Work has been very demanding but also rewarding. There have been many times that I have questioned myself, but each time God sent me reassurance. It never ceases to amaze me how His peace is like a blanket resting over me keeping my spirit from breaking. This perseverance is definitely not my own, that's for sure.

Last week I was in Provence, France with my cousins and it was quite an adventure. It was a whole bunch of experiences that range from: seeing flamingos on the side of the road, seeing incredibly beautiful old cities with so many stories, eating raw fish (by mistake of course...when you don't speak French, it's hard to know what you are ordering) and managing to not throw it up, hiding from enormous spiders waiting to attack me and just realizing what an amazing artist God is. All of the natural colors I saw were just incredible. From the many shades of purple in the fields of lavender, the glorious greens in the vineyards, hills and olive trees and the bright yellow hues in the fields of sunflowers, it was amazing. He thought of each of those colors and with such craftsmanship, painted everything to stand out in it's own uniqueness.

I am off this week too and am very excited to be spending this week with my mom. We are going to Colmar this weekend with a friend I have made over here and it is quite exciting. I am feeling as though I am finding places in this country to call my own. Experiences that will stay in my memory for a lifetime are coming all the time! There are things that happen to try to steal this joy all the time, sometimes daily. But I am a survivor in Jesus and will not be held down by these attacks. Finances are definitely hard as this country has some of the most expensive prices I have ever seen for your average, daily things. This is a constant battle for me, but Jesus is really providing for me. There are days I have to remind myself of that, but I usually remember (normally through a friend's advice or encouragement) and thats the important part. 

I want to, again, thank all of those people who are praying for me as I am living in a foreign place with lots of foreign traditions and foreign mentalities. Those prayers are keeping me going. I am so blessed to have such awesome prayer warriors standing behind me. I will be needing those prayers next Wednesday (July 18th) when I have to say goodbye to my mom as saying goodbye to my dad ended in me bawling my eyes out. I won't be seeing my parents again until next year and that's definitely a hard pill to swallow!! Thanks again and until next time...ciao! :)

Making Progress

So there has been much progress in my German class. I am feeling more comfortable with my fellow classmates and have made two friends. We walk to the tram after class together and its quite perfect. They both speak Portuguese with each other, he speaks English with me and then she speaks German with me. It is probably quite comical if you were to walk past us. Then when he takes a different tram, her and I speak German (if that's what you want to call it...lol) together. Its nice because I can't speak her mother language and she can't speak mine, so we are forced to make sentences in German. They are not very good, but we understand each other. The good thing is that we both can understand Spanish...so when we don't find the word in German, we say it in Spanish. Lol!! I have grown to really appreciate our walks together.

The other day, I was finished with my work early so the teacher had me read a conversation in German with my classmate and he had to write down what I was saying. I really enjoyed it and the teacher even complimented my teaching abilities which got me thinking about a few things. I have quite a few things I have been praying about and feel led to follow through with some of them. I will be posting at a later time about that.

It really is as if I am watching this whole experience through the eyes of somebody else. It's such a surreal experience, being here in Switzerland. The culture is just so different. I am getting used to some of the changes. For example, I was on skype this morning with my Mom and she was making breakfast. When she pulled out the eggs, I was like wow! I totally forgot about how many eggs you can buy at once in America! Here they sell them in packages of 4 or 6! Lol! So little things like that amuse me. Life is quite different. I really wouldn't have it any other way though. Walking in the path that God has laid out for me is the only place to be :)

Revelation

I have several exciting things to share in this blog. The first is that my eye infection has completely cleared. I went to the doctor for the fourth time and was told the infection is completely gone. They know the infection was caused by a bacteria but not sure how I got the bacteria. Anyways, so that's that :) The healing was a definite, I just didn't know when it would take place :) So thank you to everyone who lifted me up in prayer!

Another thing that has happened is that God has shown me why I am here. This is really exciting for me because I came here not knowing why He wanted me here. I am not free to put everything on this blog, but I will share some. When I felt lead to come here, I knew it was God drawing me here, but had no idea what in the world He would use me for. I thought of a few things, but nothing like huge or anything. Well, I am called to be a missionary here in Switzerland. An intercessor for the people here. Intercession was not really ever anything I thought of for myself so this was definitely a surprise to me. Now some of you may be laughing because I know there are some that already think of me as a missionary here. I didn't until last week. It was the first time I felt certain of it. I guess I thought that a missionary was someone who would go up to random people and just tell them about Jesus so this is why I didn't feel like this. But God revealed to me that I am telling people about Jesus in a different way...by sharing His love with people. So maybe one day I am just called to smile at every person I see, another day I have to pray for random people who walk past me. It's funny because He is using me in a way that fits my personality. I don't know why I am surprised, but He has that effect on me. I tend to want to make people feel encouraged and loved instead of pushed away, so using me for a gentle approach towards His people is exciting.

I think that a lot of times (this is just my opinion mind you), Christians tend to push and push until they end up pushing people further from Christ instead of pulling them closer. Instead of showing them that you love them no matter where they are in there life, we point out all of their flaws. This is something that makes me really upset because we really have to take care in how we talk to people. If we are condemning and putting blame and shame on people, how is this showing God's love? It's not! He loves His people no matter where they are in their life. If they are gay, if they are serving other gods, He still loves them. Those people will not turn away from their life if all they hear from Christians is about how awful their life is and they are awful and going to hell because they have tattoos and piercings all over their bodies. They need to feel loved. They need to see something different in us then from what they expect to see. Anyways, obviously I get a little heated about that.

The other cool thing that happened was that I was asked in my German class why I came here. Now, when you have no filter, things just come out of your mouth. Well, truth comes out of my mouth and I have no time to think about it. This is a good thing, because I probably wouldn't say half of the things I do if I thought about it too long. Anyways, So I told them that I am a Christian and that I felt like I was supposed to be here in Switzerland. Afterwards I was like, oh I hope I didn't offend anyone! That's what I mean, I am glad I don't think about it! There are several men from India in my class and I have no idea, yet, where they are in their faith. Muslim or Hindu possibly. After I said that, one of them wouldn't stop looking at me so I think there may have been something sparked inside of him. Please pray for him and actually all of the people in my German class if you remember. They have been heavy on my heart the past few days.

So that is what is going on here that I can share with you for now :) Please keep praying...it is much appreciated. Really, it really is.

You Raise Me Up

Today the lyrics from the song "You Raise Me Up" by Josh Groban are heavy on my heart. For the past few days, I have felt like the verse is where I am. I am weary. I am not going to blog about whats going on to make me feel so, just that its how I am feeling. My heart feels heavy today. Here are the lyrics:

You Raise Me Up (Josh Groban)
"When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be."

The chorus reminds me that even when I feel exactly like that verse, God is with me and raising me up on His shoulders to accomplish more than I can on my own. Even when I am feeling down, He is still God. He is still strong. He is still my provider. He is still my hope. He is still my joy and my peace. He is still worthy of my praise. So today, on a day where I feel like just being in bed and sleeping all day, I will get up and go out to do what He has asked me to do. I can only do this because it is HE who has given me the strength to do so.

Thanks Lord, for raising me up so that this heaviness falls away and is replaced with your quiet, powerful peace.

Chaos to Peace :)

I have had a very interesting week so far. This was the first week that we had the new kids coming and they are super cute! It has been nice getting to know them and having them get used to me. I can feed them now without them getting upset and put them down for naps without tantrums. This is nice :) On Thursday I actually spoke in German with the older man I had so wanted to have a chance to talk with again. I have seen him almost every day and wave at him and smile no matter how far away he is. It's funny but I felt a connection with this man. I wonder how his life was, if he was ever married and if so if his wife passed away or if she is still alive. I only ever see him with his little white dog and I don't know...there is a sadness I feel about him. Strange to me how I can feel something for someone I don't know. Anyways, so I was walking to work and he was walking his dog back to his home. I smiled like normal and started to say "Guten Tag" like normal when all of a sudden he starts speaking to me! The ironic part is the night before, i had started a blog about how I cant wait until I can speak to him in German! I didn't post it because I had a feeling like it was unfinished. So he starts speaking to me and I have no idea what he is saying. So, by the grace of God I am able to pull up all the German knowledge I have and tell him (in German) that I am from America and am learning German but only understand a little bit now. I told him my name and asked his. I feel funny about putting his name on here for now so lets call him Joe, which is so obviously NOT a German name huh? Anyways, so Joe starts talking again and I tell you I have NO idea what he is saying but all of a sudden it comes to me and I just know he is asking about work. So i tell him I take care of children. He then tells me I speak good German and I say thank you and that's it! We walked our separate ways and I had a smile the size of Texas on my face :) I was so encouraged!

So, it was a normal day and I stayed at Claudia's for dinner because we were going to the store after. By the time we were done at the store, my eye wouldn't stop watering and was feeling like I had something stuck in it. I get home and take out my contacts only to have it become even worse. I Washed my eye out with some eyewash and thought I would go to sleep to see if its better in the morning. Well, sleep did not come. It was so painful that I couldn't sleep. I had a small glass of wine as it usually makes me sleepy and that did nothing. I took nyquil which knocks me out and that did nothing. I ended up calling my parents at 1am because I started to get a little anxious. My left eye just kept watering and burning. They prayed for me and I tried to go back to sleep...well I got one hour of sleep and then decided I needed to go to the hospital. The cool thing is that here there is a hospital just for eyes and it happens to be around the corner from my house :) My Aunt had to walk with me as my eye was swollen shut and I couldn't really see that well. I went in thinking it was just a scratch or a hair and it turned out to be a severe infection with the possibility of me losing my cornea if it was not treated immediately. I was upset but the funny thing is I never got scared. I knew that it would work out and I felt this was an attack on my joy as I had just had such an amazing day. I was not letting this take it away!

I went today to the hospital for another checkup and the doctor was quite impressed. She said that there was a lot of improvement and it looked great. I told her I have a lot of people praying for me (you know...this stuff just comes out...it's like I don't have a filter...which I guess is a good thing because if you think to much before you want to say something, chances are you wont say it...lol) and then I was like oh! I hope I didn't offend her! Well, you know she said "Tell them to keep praying because it's working!". I almost fell out of my chair! Lol! Awesome :) So I have another appointment on Thursday and will be making even more progress by then, I just know it!

German lessons are going well and I am making good progress but that is for another blog another day :) I try so hard to make these blogs short but it just doesn't happen. Thanks to everyone who has the patience to read them! I am glad that my learning lessons are able to minister to people :)

Treasuring Life

I just got back from a weeks vacation in the mountains and it was gorgeous. I am actually not very fond of the snow but this changed my opinion. Actually there is something different about the snow in the mountains too. I mean its EVERYWHERE and super deep. However, it's not cold like you would think. I walked around in leggings and a hoodie and was actually warm at times. My cousin and I went to the top of the mountain and hiked down. I think it took us around 3 or 4 hours and I was completely wiped at the end but I felt extremely accomplished having not worked out in a long time and then being able to do something like that! I tell you what, I am not sure how anyone goes up to the mountains and doesn't believe in God. He is the master artist and the mountains prove that. GORGEOUS!!

While I was up there, I had some moments where I could really tell God was trying to get my attention on some issues. I tell you what, its very quiet up there and hard to miss His voice! First of all, let me just say that I am completely aware everyone and anyone could read this. Anything that I put on this blog is intended to be on it. I will never discuss personal/private matters about my friends or family on here because I believe that is not right. However, I will be completely transparent when it comes to myself with whatever God is telling me to put on here. I mean of course I won't be posting everything about myself because that is not necessary. I really do think it's important for people to see it's okay to be honest with yourself about yourself in front of others. Actually, I think its vital. How can I live the life Jesus has asked me to live if I am living in fear of what everyone thinks of me? I have chosen to live this life unafraid of peoples opinions, good or bad and I have heard both good and bad opinions from people about myself. I lived my life far too long always worrying what people are thinking. NO MORE! I am who God has made me to be and if I am living the way He has asked me to live, then that is all there is to it. I really feel God has asked me to make things He has changed in me public knowledge. This doesn't glorify me at all. It glorifies Him. It actually is not that easy to point out all my flaws and mistakes, but when it brings Him glory, that's when it can help someone and this DOES make it easier to share. It becomes less about me and my situations and more about Him and what He is able to do through people when they let Him. He made this quite evident to me in the mountains.

Another thing God brought my attention to was the verse Matthew 6:21 "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." This really made me question where my treasure was. When I finally got the internet in my flat I was so excited! I thought, finally I can catch up on all my shows I am missing! I tried the website, Hulu, which I always use to watch any missed shows. Well it turns out you can only use that when you are in America and my smart computer knows I'm in Switzerland. I tried the actual shows website. Same problem. I then had a slight panic attack. Oh my GOODNESS! You mean to tell me I can't watch any of the shows (and there were quite a few let me just say) anymore?? For at least a YEAR? Freaking out is a good way to put what happened. I was so upset. I told my mom and asked her what she thought and we were trying to figure out what to do about it. So when this verse popped into my mind, where do you think my treasure was? Yup. So I think that me not being able to watch those shows, although I have to say I am still unhappy about it, is probably one of the best things that could have happened to me. I mean I could honestly say I was really addicted to TV. All I have now are the movies I brought with me. So I have no choice really but to find something other to do with my time in my flat. Honestly, what would I be doing if I came here and then decided to live the same way I was living in the States? What would that accomplish?

So really ask yourself where your treasure lies. I don't say this in a condemning way at all because that is not how Jesus would speak to us either. All I am asking, is for you to really think about something you think you couldn't live without (shopping, TV, facebook...whatever) and try living without it for a day or 2 and see if it's really that important. You will most likely find you don't need whatever it is that you are clinging to and can then ask God to give you a healthy balance. It's not reasonable to say you will never watch another show or ever use the computer. It is, however, reasonable to make sure whatever it is doesn't become an obstacle between you and God. It really is always about balance. I think anything can become like an idol to us if we let it. Shopping isn't bad if it's in moderation and neither are any of the other things I mentioned. I hope this is making sense ;) Anyways, that's where I am at today. Missing what is left behind but grateful for God placing new things in my life. I hope this has ministered to someone today :)

Getting Organized

It's coming on 3 weeks now and I feel as though I have been here for already a year! I am really enjoying my time here so far. There have definitely been struggles and frustrations but God is so gracious. I already feel like I am at home here and can imagine staying. However, I will not make that decision after only 3 weeks…lol! I really am starting to see reasons for being here. I see a lot of hardness in people…even children. I smile at people on the tram and they look at me like I'm crazy. So I just keep smiling :) One of my cousins asked if people in America are happier than the Swiss because I am laughing and smiling all the time. I think the people are nice here once you get to know them personally but smiling at strangers is not common. I am really looking forward to how the children will act once I have been here for maybe 2 months or so. Right now they are getting used to me and as I can't really communicate with them yet, it's interesting. All but two of the children come from broken homes and only one is raised in a christian home. They are so adorable and I love being around children again. I notice sometimes that they seem like they want to get close but are afraid so they pull away. They are quite different than American children. It's funny because I didn't take that into consideration. I figured because children are children, they would be the same. But I guess the environment plays a big part in behavior. They are quite reserved…part of which I am sure comes from instability but I am already praying against that! Yesterday I had a breakthrough with the children. 2 of the girls (Laura and Alisha both 2 yrs old) were letting me feed them with no issues and then were playing with me and hanging on me…it was so nice! It has been really hard not having the children be able to understand me and not wanting to be around me since they are so reserved. Breakthrough was a huge victory!! I just keep praying whenever they push me away and try not to take it so personal (easier said than done) and that seems to help.

There have been several times I have seen that God really had someone praying for me at a specific time. I am so grateful for the prayers! I think sometimes we think that just praying is not doing enough but rest assured…there is power in prayer and it works!!! I was sad when Elizabeth left last week and was left on my own because it was such a blessing having her here, but it actually has been quite nice! I thought I would be lonely but I really am not. I am starting to enjoy the quietness and don't even feel like I have to put on music or anything. Just think and pray and think some more. My apartment is coming along quite nice and I am really feeling at home. I will be glad when everything is organized and finished so I don't feel like when I come home from work or school that I have to do something. I just finished painting this cabinet white and it took a week. I am so glad its finished and it was soooo worth it!

German school has been very trying. Trying my patience that is. The german teacher only speaks german and its really stressful. I think the lesson this wednesday was the best so far though because she taught us something that I actually feel I can use and its soooo helpful! I left with a smile on my face! I get nervous walking to the tram station after class even though its before 8pm and shouldn't be an issue. Its the only time I am nervous actually because every other station I feel has more people around and this one is kinda…eh. I walk super fast and sit clutching my purse tight. I really need to work on that I think. I know God will take care of me no matter what so I need to be more trusting and less fearful. There are always people around but its less than all the other stations. I am getting used to riding the tram everywhere and I quite enjoy it..unless I just miss the tram and have to wait 7 whole minutes for the next one. It doesn't sound so awful when I write it though does it? Wow. 7 minutes. LOL!

Ok I have to say one last thing and then go because I am going on ski holiday with my cousins tomorrow and I haven't packed yet. So there is this old man with a little white dog who lives in one of the houses I pass everyday on my walk to Claudia's house. I smile at the little dog and also at he when I see him. He looked at me strange at first but today he actually greeted me and looked like he was wanting to talk. As I was headed to work, I nodded and greeted him (of course I spoke wrong and used the personal german instead of formal…oops!) and then kept walking. I then felt really sad and asked God to give me another opportunity with him because I feel like I could have (tried to) say something else. Maybe all he needed was a "Have a nice day". Ya know? I was so bummed out that I missed out on that but am really looking forward to the next time I see him. I really was smiling the whole way to Claudia's after that because seeing him smile and greet me really made my day. Two breakthroughs!!! Woot! OK I have to go now :) I will be back in a week! Auf Wiedersehen!

First blog in Switzerland from 1.31.12

Where do I even begin to start…my brain is like butter that has been left out for far too long. It's 6:15am right now and I have been up since 5am. Sleeping a full night has been difficult. I have started to feel disconnected from what seems like (well…it is actually) "my former life" in America. I have not been able to use the internet in 5 days or call anyone besides my parents. I have not spoken with them for more than 15 minutes at a time…which has been like 3 times. Oh…actually I was able to call Jaci for a hot second. That was nice :)

It feels like I have been in Switzerland already for a month. Since I have been here, each day has been filled with things that need to be done in order for me to stay such as: Unpack (still being done), shop for furniture for my flat (almost done), open a bank account (if I were not a Swiss citizen, this wouldn't even be possible with everything going on between America and the banks here), buy internet access (which I won't have for 3 more days), start german school (we will get to that later), meet the children (adorable) and parents I will be working with, etc. I could go on.

Many things have been a source of stress since I arrived here but let me assure you, I serve a God of unbelievable peace and grace (both of which are being poured over me) and I will be fine. He knew how hard this would be even though my mind could not grasp it. He knew I would really need companionship and so He provided me with Elizabeth. She is here with me for the first two weeks and unfortunately, has seen my cry on numerous occasions. I honestly am not sure how I would be coping if she would not have come with me. We are able to walk around the city of Basel together and if we get lost (which only by the grace of God we have NOT!) at least we are together! What an AMAZING God! As I sit here typing, my eyes start to fill just thinking about how much God has truly blessed me. My cousins (Claudia and her husband Markus) have been absolutely wonderful to me and are really happy to have me here. Their daughter, Jasmin, is so excited I am here and makes me feel really special.

I had probably the worst day ever yesterday (Monday) as I had to go to German school by myself for the 1st class (yes…I had to start after only being here for 4 days) and take the tram (sort of like our subway but its above ground and waaaay cooler) all by myself. I missed the tram FOUR times. By the way, thats every time I had to get on a new tram. Not once did I make it in time. Then, I get off the tram and have no idea where I am. I prayed for God to guide my feet and He most certainly did. I wanted to turn right but my feet took me left. Really strange…really God ;) Once I arrive (20 minutes late), I find out that there will be NO ENGLISH spoken in the class…just German. Anyone who knows me, knows I need LOTS of explanation. I sat through the class staring at the lady as she asked me questions I could not answer because I had NO IDEA what she was saying. I said America, she said USA (which sounds like "oo s ah") as they don't call it America because that includes South America. So what did I do when I arrived at Claudia's for dinner after class and after missing the tram a few more times? Burst into tears. Again. Did I mention a man approached me at one of the tram stations and freaked me out? Yep.

Let me just say, I have learned how to pray and trust God more than I ever have before. I can't imagine being here and going through all of this without his amazing power in my life. He has the ability to turn my tears into praise songs. He helps me focus on the positive things that have happened since I have gotten here instead of the negative. He focuses my sight on the future and not the present. May the joy He has given me be absolutely contagious to all who cross my path (which they really need here). I miss all of my friends very much but I think this time of separation from everyone in America has been vital to me accepting everything going on around me here. However, I cannot wait until I can communicate with everyone again!! I can't even post this blog right now! As soon as I can connect to the internet, email, Facebook and Skype…here I come! Lol ;)

By the way, my flat is coming along and is super cute. God really stretched the money I had set aside as I have been able to buy a lot with a little :) I will be posting pictures soon. You know how there are no closets in Europe for the most part? I ended up with a flat that has the biggest walk in ever! Ok…not the biggest…y'all know I can be dramatic…but it's an awesome size for sure :) Just the fact that I have one is amazing! My uncle actually made it himself :) Also, I am going to be thin in no time…these stairs are killer! My legs are slowly getting tighter and stronger. It's awesome…unless its 10pm and I feel like crawling into bed instead of up the 6 flights of stairs. Anyways, This is the longest blog ever but I hope it has made some sort of sense and helped you guys feel connected with me and what I am dealing with! Prayers are much appreciated. I am going back to sleep for a bit. Night!

Standing Firm

There are 6 days until I board the plane and begin a new life in Switzerland, following wherever it is God wants to take me. How am I feeling? I am actually very tired. I am at a very strange place today. It feels like satans attacks are coming every single day and quite frequently throughout the day. So when I say I am clinging to God's peace, I am CLINGING for dear life! I had my first complete breakdown yesterday night after church, which I didn't expect. I found myself looking around my room, which looked like a train had just run through it, and feeling completely overwhelmed. Having a messy room was like the straw that broke the camels back. I like order and organization and I was not finding it anywhere. My mom walked in my room to check on me because I pretty much had just come in the house from church and went straight upstairs. Well, the second I saw her I completely broke.

The day had consisted of 3 amazing situations. I had an amazing lunch with a friend and our conversation was really encouraging and uplifting. Then another friend came to help me pack one suitcase (I have found small goals are extremely helpful when there is a lot to d0) and we did it! We packed an amazing amount of clothes and shoes into one suitcase thanks to space bags :) Then I get this phone call from my cousin who gave me AMAZING news about how my finances will be over there. So I was rejoicing in all those things and just blown away by how great God is. I have (as you can tell by the blogs lately) been so in awe of God's amazing power in my life and the life of those around me. His hand is really over everything!

Then...I get to church and I walk in super excited and BAM! I am attacked not once but three different times. I tried to brush it off and surrender it during worship but the crack that satan had snuck through (which always has to do with my self esteem/ self worth) got a little bigger. ALL service, there was a battle going on in my head: "You aren't good enough! You are so selfish! You are a burden!" SHUT UP!! I have the peace of God, I have the peace of God. I know I was getting attacked to try to get me to not focus on the message in front of me, part of which was talking about how David was praising God even as he faced great trials. So what did I do? I talked for a little bit after church, laughed with some friends, and then I came home and just lost it. I felt like I could have sobbed for hours. It was such a strange feeling!

While I was crying, I totally felt this release of everything that had happened and God's peace covering me like a blanket. In my head, praises kept coming out to God about everything He has already done for me and what He is still going to do through me. But I just kept crying! I really was exhausted in every sense of the word, but still had His peace. Does that make any sense? Anyways...you know what? Praise God for that release of emotions, even though crying is something I am NOT a fan of. He has blessed me beyond measure even in the midst of battle. PRAISE HIM! I stand firm in His peace and joy and am not budging. Tears will not bring me down! I am victorious in HIS name! The enemy has been DEFEATED and he has NO hold over me.

I will please ask anyone who is reading this to be in constant prayer for me over the next 6 days. However God leads you, please pray. I know there will be more battles and trials before I leave but with God on my side, I will get through them! There is power in prayer! Thank you, Lord for your amazing peace covering me.

A Well Watered Garden

We are fasting for the first 21 days in January and memorizing Isaiah 58 at church right now and the timing couldn't have been more perfect. Verse 11 seems to be the only verse I can memorize at the moment and maybe you will see why: "The Lord will guide you always. He will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and strengthen your frame. You will be a well watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail." Really?? Perfect. Lately I have really been feeling intense joy which is an extremely overwhelming feeling (in a good way of course). It hits me at really strange (but perfect) times, usually when I need it most. Looking at my friends laughing and talking to each other; watching the congregation at Cornerstone worshiping; seeing kids (that were in the second grade class I aided with Ms. Kitty) grow from age 7 to 15 and making the choice to go after God...JOY! My heart is filled with this intense love and happiness and I really truly feel like "a well watered garden; a spring whose waters never fail". As I will be leaving my friends and family behind (physically...never emotionally or spiritually), I am left feeling like God has filled me so that I will be fine without everyone overseas. I will be able to let my joy and love bubble over to all those around me without feeling empty because my joy is based on HIM.

Yesterday, I felt excited for the first time that I am actually leaving in less than 2 weeks. I have not been upset, because God's peace has been surrounding me BIG time, but I haven't been excited. My excitement and sadness were so equal that when someone asked how I felt, it was hard to respond because I didn't know how to explain how I was feeling. I was so sad to stop working at my job because I had grown comfortable. I was sad to sell my car because I paid for that all by myself and paid it off completely. I am sad to leave my friends because I feel like we just started something exciting. Do you notice a pattern though? Complacency. That is a very dangerous place to be. Satan has really been attacking my emotions every day about changing so much and stepping outside of my comfort zone. He really doesn't want me to go, which is the very reason I must. So take that! I love how satan's attacks are turned around to show me how faithful and steadfast God is. EVERY single time!! For example, God gave me a perfect day in NYC with a bunch of friends because He knew come Monday when I had to sell my car, I would be struggling pretty bad. Just remembering His faithfulness to give us perfect weather, perfect conversation and laughter, opportunities to share His love with not one but TWO people...joy! Am I really going to let my sorrow over giving up so much of what I have come comfortable holding onto take away that joy I felt Saturday in NYC? Nope. Okay...I'll be honest...maybe for like a few hours. But then it came down to surrender, surrender, surrender. Man is there some freedom in surrender or what? Why do we hold onto anything?? Fear really blows things waaaay out of proportion! When you finally get brave enough to surrender, you're like really? That's it? That's all I had to do this whole time? It's really going to work out now? YUP! Amazing :)

Lord thank You for every single trial I have gone through to get me where I am with You today. Let me continue to grow in You more every day so that my spring never fails.